10 Baseball New Year’s Resolutions For 2010
Baseball players and teams all around Major League Baseball are getting their New Year’s resolutions ready. They were supposed to be kept confidential, but then again, so was the Mitchell Report. So it should come as no shocker, that we have got the 10 best New Year’s resolutions for MLB players and teams right here.
1. Matt Holliday – I will catch the ball in 2010. I will catch the ball in 2010. I will catch the ball in 2010. What? It worked for Dorothy when she wanted to go back home.
2. Scott Boras – I will not lie to GM’s. I will just be upfront with them and tell them I’m going to screw them so badly that they would wish to be in a prison cell with a guy named Bubba instead of the office with me.
3. Indians GM Mark Shapiro – I will trade a CY young caliber pitcher in the middle of the season. I know I don’t have another one on my roster to get rid of, but I’m Mark Shapiro. I traded C.C.. I traded Lee. I don’t care if I have to go into a lab and scientifically create a Cy Young pitcher. I’m the best GM ever. I have a reputation to uphold.
4. Milton Bradley – I will not throw temper tantrums on the field. That only leaves the dugouts and locker room for me to do my best to destroy the Seattle Mariners franchise. Playoffs? We’re talking about Playoffs? Not if I have anything to say about it, and I always have plenty to say.
5. Alex Rodriguez – Milk does a body good, huh? What the heck does Dean Foods Corporation know? HGH! Now that does a body a good. The wallet likes it, too.
6. Mark McGwire – Seriously? How did you guys get so scrawny? How am I supposed to teach these bunches of punies to hit home runs? Stupid idiots, I bet they think that pitching and defense wins championships. Chicks dig the long ball, fellas. I will inject you myself if that’s what it takes.
7. Yankees GM Brian Cashman – I will be thrifty and not spend any money in free agency in 2010. I will go one further; I’m not going to trade away all our young talent for big name players either. We will just ignore all the deals we make before January 1st. Wait a minute, how long is 2010? I’ll tell you what; let’s just say the resolution is for New Year’s Day.
8. Joe Mauer – I will show everybody I really am super human in 2010. Forget my batting, or my new found power; I’m going to wear short sleeves to our home opener. Nothing like a refreshing Minnesota April day to make you want to play baseball outdoors. Who needs a dome with that kind of tropical weather?
9. Pittsburgh Pirates Organization – We will trade any players that show the slightest bit of talent or potential. You would think that we would come up with a different New Year’s resolution this year, but why not do what you are good at? And darn it, we are good at getting rid of our talented players. Could you imagine the horrible things that would happen if we kept our good players? Then people might actually come to our incredible new ballpark. Wouldn’t want that to happen.
10. The Chicago Cubs – We will reverse the curse in 2010. Who or what do you have to sacrifice around here to win the World Series? A goat. No problem. 100 fans? Why not? We’ve got a ton of them. We should try that! We are now accepting applications for Cubbie fans that would like to be sacrificed, so the Cubs could win the World Series. We can’t promise that it will be painless, but let’s be honest; can it really be more painful than being a Cubs fan?
