AFC Teams’ New YEar’s Resolutions to Fans
The 2009 NFL season is almost over, and in honor of New Year’s Day, I’m going to look forward to the 2010 football season. Here are what the 2010 New Year’s resolutions should be for the 16 NFL teams in the AFC.
AFC East
Buffalo Bills – A quarterback would be nice, wouldn’t it Buffalo fans. Unless you really want to have faith in Ryan Fitzgerald.
Miami Dolphins – Let Ted Ginn Jr. have one more chance at being a big play wide out. They do so much with so little. Imagine if they could get some more big play guys?
New England Patriots – Get more health insurance for the secondary. Seriously, are they even using guys from the practice squad or are they past that?
New York Jets – Get another wide out for Mark Sanchez, because Braylon doesn’t look like he is ever going to be anywhere near the player that he was in 2007.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens – Keep letting Ray Lewis do his thing until he says it’s time to hang his pads up. It’s amazing to watch how good he still is and would be great to see him finish his career as a Raven.
Cleveland Browns – Make sure they get Mike Holmgren to sign on the dotted line. It’s been way too long since the Browns had some true football leadership in charge of things.
Cincinnati Bengals – Do their best to recover from the tragic loss of wide receiver Chris Henry.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Find a way to keep Troy Polamalu healthy. This team is lost without him.
AFC South
Houston Texans – Stop teasing us! Even the Arizona Cardinals finally stopped being a tease. Of course, they waited for experts to finally give up on them after calling them a sleeper playoff contender for five straight years, but the point is, they finally showed up.
Indianapolis Colts – Become the first team to ever go undefeated in two straight seasons. Why not? Trying for one undefeated season is just getting too easy.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Get Maurice Jones Drew some help, while he is in the middle of his prime. Running backs only have so many great years in them. Take advantage and put some talent around this beast.
Tennessee Titans – Help Vince Young develop into the quarterback that we all hoped he would be when he came out of Texas. The NFL can use another exciting playmaking quarterback in the league. How about having the reincarnation of Randall Cunningham? Now that would be fun.
AFC West
Denver Broncos – Clone Brandon Marshall. No, I’m not joking. I don’t care how much trouble the guy is. Put two of him on the field and your offense would be unstoppable.
Kansas City Chiefs – Get a lot of draft picks. Trade everybody for draft picks if you have to. There are so many needs it’s sickening, but hey, you got Matt Cassel. How’s that going for you?
Oakland Raiders – Make just one good draft pick in the first round. Seriously, do you guys ever get this right?
San Diego Chargers – Find a way to get Ladainian Tomlinson back to an elite back. Wouldn’t it be great to watch a running back actually dismiss the running backs being done at the age of 30 theory.
10 Baseball New Year’s Resolutions For 2010
Baseball players and teams all around Major League Baseball are getting their New Year’s resolutions ready. They were supposed to be kept confidential, but then again, so was the Mitchell Report. So it should come as no shocker, that we have got the 10 best New Year’s resolutions for MLB players and teams right here.
1. Matt Holliday – I will catch the ball in 2010. I will catch the ball in 2010. I will catch the ball in 2010. What? It worked for Dorothy when she wanted to go back home.
2. Scott Boras – I will not lie to GM’s. I will just be upfront with them and tell them I’m going to screw them so badly that they would wish to be in a prison cell with a guy named Bubba instead of the office with me.
3. Indians GM Mark Shapiro – I will trade a CY young caliber pitcher in the middle of the season. I know I don’t have another one on my roster to get rid of, but I’m Mark Shapiro. I traded C.C.. I traded Lee. I don’t care if I have to go into a lab and scientifically create a Cy Young pitcher. I’m the best GM ever. I have a reputation to uphold.
4. Milton Bradley – I will not throw temper tantrums on the field. That only leaves the dugouts and locker room for me to do my best to destroy the Seattle Mariners franchise. Playoffs? We’re talking about Playoffs? Not if I have anything to say about it, and I always have plenty to say.
5. Alex Rodriguez – Milk does a body good, huh? What the heck does Dean Foods Corporation know? HGH! Now that does a body a good. The wallet likes it, too.
6. Mark McGwire – Seriously? How did you guys get so scrawny? How am I supposed to teach these bunches of punies to hit home runs? Stupid idiots, I bet they think that pitching and defense wins championships. Chicks dig the long ball, fellas. I will inject you myself if that’s what it takes.
7. Yankees GM Brian Cashman – I will be thrifty and not spend any money in free agency in 2010. I will go one further; I’m not going to trade away all our young talent for big name players either. We will just ignore all the deals we make before January 1st. Wait a minute, how long is 2010? I’ll tell you what; let’s just say the resolution is for New Year’s Day.
8. Joe Mauer – I will show everybody I really am super human in 2010. Forget my batting, or my new found power; I’m going to wear short sleeves to our home opener. Nothing like a refreshing Minnesota April day to make you want to play baseball outdoors. Who needs a dome with that kind of tropical weather?
9. Pittsburgh Pirates Organization – We will trade any players that show the slightest bit of talent or potential. You would think that we would come up with a different New Year’s resolution this year, but why not do what you are good at? And darn it, we are good at getting rid of our talented players. Could you imagine the horrible things that would happen if we kept our good players? Then people might actually come to our incredible new ballpark. Wouldn’t want that to happen.
10. The Chicago Cubs – We will reverse the curse in 2010. Who or what do you have to sacrifice around here to win the World Series? A goat. No problem. 100 fans? Why not? We’ve got a ton of them. We should try that! We are now accepting applications for Cubbie fans that would like to be sacrificed, so the Cubs could win the World Series. We can’t promise that it will be painless, but let’s be honest; can it really be more painful than being a Cubs fan?
Notre Dame Needs to Tell Big Ten Conference “No Thanks”
Notre Dame needs to say no to the Big 10 Conference. Notre Dame already gets every single one of their games on national television, something that no other college team can claim. So what does Notre Dame gain out of this deal? Strength of schedule? Last I looked; Notre Dame doesn’t have a chance at the BCS Championship because they were 6-6. It has nothing to do with whom they play. So the Big Ten conference can’t bribe them with good opponents. In fact, Notre Dame has it easier than anybody when it comes to scheduling. They aren’t held back by having to play certain opponents and can therefore play whichever team they want to. For another team, that might make it hard to schedule enough opponents, but this is Notre Dame. They were once the know all, end all of college football and have remained one of the elites even with disappointing season after season. If Notre Dame calls up a school and asks if they want to schedule a game, the athletic director puts the phone on hold and does some cartwheels.
The Big Ten is looking to expand and add a 12th team to their conference. Yes, I said 12th team. The Big Ten currently is made up of Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, Iowa, Penn State, Minnesota, Purdue, Indiana, Illinois, Northwestern and Wisconsin. For those of you that just always assumed there were 10 teams in the Big Ten, notice that there are eleven schools on that list. In 1991, the Big Ten Conference added Penn State, to bring their total up to 11 teams in the division.
Notice I said that Notre Dame going to the Big Ten was a horrible idea for Notre Dame, but it would be incredible for the Big Ten Conference. The addition of Notre Dame would make all the sense in the world for the Big Ten. It would give them 12 teams instead of 11, which means they could split the conference up into two different divisions.
What does that mean? Fans will get treated to a Big Ten Championship game. Other than Ohio State’s recent attempts at winning a BCS title against the likes of Florida and LSU, the biggest knock on the Big Ten Conference has been that they do not have a championship game.
The Big Ten would be wise to add a 12th team, and it’s obvious why Notre Dame is their first choice. The problem is that the Big Ten would see all the benefits of such an event and Notre Dame might even lose out some because of it. If Notre Dame wanted to play in a conference, they could’ve done it any time in the past few decades. Notre Dame is such a big draw that the Big 12 and SEC would probably welcome them with open arms and South Bend, Indiana isn’t exactly close to where the other schools are located.
The Big Ten needs to get working on a different kind of wish list if they want to add a 12th team. Missouri, Iowa State, Rutgers, Cincinnati and Syracuse have been thrown out there as possibilities. Good luck with those teams Big Ten, because the best thing for Notre Dame is to just stay put.
Wondering What to Get Tiger Woods For Christmas?
So, you are feeling in the holiday spirit and almost have all your shopping done? For those of you that said yes, congratulations, but I think most of us still have quite a bit left to go. We better get going on that. Christmas is less than two weeks away. Since we are in such a hurry, let me lend you some of my expertise.
A simple step to help you with your Christmas shopping is to make sure you keep a list of everybody you need to shop for. Let’s start the list with spouses, significant others, parents and children. Those are the most important ones, and usually the hardest to shop for. Now let’s not forget other family like grandparents, nieces, nephews and of course, siblings. That only leaves random people like hairdressers, mailmen, secretaries and Tiger Woods.
Yes, you heard me right. I said Tiger Woods. What, just because the man had a few infidelities he doesn’t get a Christmas gift? Isn’t Christmas about giving? You know the poor guy isn’t going to get anything from his wife. Shouldn’t we pick up the slack? I know what you are thinking. Tiger has more money than probably everybody reading this article combined. The sad part is I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that.
Nevertheless though, Christmas isn’t about money. At least it shouldn’t be anyways. Christmas is about spreading the holiday cheer. Say what you want about Tiger Woods, but there isn’t much doubt he could use some holiday cheer right about now. A normal guy cheats on his wife repeatedly and he catches grief from his wife, her friends, her family, and any of the mistresses that didn’t know he was married. Now that is quite a bit of grief. Now imagine how much crap Tiger has to hear. He’s taking on more crap than a sewage system. Even if he deserves a lot of it, I still feel a little bad for him. So I’m not sure about you, but I was thinking about giving him a gift.
At first I was thinking about getting him a porn star, but he already has two of those. So I thought about upping the stakes and giving him a STD, but again he has two porn stars, so he probably has that base covered, too. So I had it down to two things; a year supply of condoms and a football uniform with pads, cup and helmet. I came to the conclusion that with so many mistresses condoms could get quite costly, and I am on a limited budget. Plus, I feel like giving him the football uniform is not only getting him something, but his whole family something. What if he is just innocently driving down the road and one of his shall we say “lady friends” calls. Elin hears him and without thinking about the kids being in the car, she just starts beating him with a 9 iron. If he is wearing the football uniform, I so thoughtfully got for him, then I am helping protect his whole family. Now, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That’s true Christmas spirit.
Brian Kelly Shows Coaching Notre Dame is Worth Breaking Promises
It became official on Thursday, December 10th. Brian Kelly is now the former head coach of the Cincinnati Bearcats. He has spurned Cincinnati to become the new head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
Cincinnati finished the regular season undefeated and are the 3rd ranked Division I college football team in the nation according to the BCS. Cincinnati has its’ biggest game in the program’s history on New Year’s Day. They play SEC powerhouse, Florida in this year’s Sugar Bowl, but somebody will be missing. The players will be there, but the head coach will not.
Seriously, just like that? Kelly leads a team of 18-22 year olds for an entire season, just so he can bail out on them in their biggest game?
College football is jacked-up!
I don’t blame Notre Dame for wanting Brian Kelly to replace Charlie Weis. He led the Bearcats to a record of 34-6 in his time there. There is no doubt the man is an amazing coach.
I also don’t blame Kelly for wanting to coach the Fighting Irish. It’s a dream job for almost any NCAA coach. The pressure might be unrelenting, but imagine how heralded the coach will be that brings Notre Dame back to elite status.
I blame the NCAA. As the story goes, college football is all about where the money is and how much of it there is. How do they create a system of this nature? One where it is common for coaches to change schools right before the last game of the season. This has got to change. It has to be made so that coaches can’t interview with a team until the season is officially over. I know it will never happen, but it should.
Like it or not, coaches are role models to their players. They are teachers. Just as much as if they were psychology professors. This isn’t professional sports; it’s college. These aren’t professional athletes; they are young college students. Most of these guys will never make it to the pros. Is this really the example we want to send to the youth of our nation?
People can say it’s just sports all they want, but these coaches leave impressions on their players. Impressions that could help mold the young males into the men they will become. Let’s not teach our youth to quit on their commitments. Instead let’s teach them to finish what they start, and be men of their words.
